She stared at him with ill-concealed alarm. “Want what for me?”
“Scandal, ignominy,” he said flatly.
Her heart tripped within her chest. Evie
closed her eyes, wondering if he could hear the cracking of her heart. “Even if we’d gotten to Scotland, you wouldn’t have married me,” she said faintly.
“No.”
Certainly, she was about to disintegrate into a thousand pieces. “I cannot believe it of you.”
“What in God’s name were you thinking? Acting with such recklessness?”
The scandal would be horrifying. Her breath rasped, and her heart pounded. She had gambled everything and lost. “I’m ruined, and you would easily abandon me to such a fate,” she whispered hoarsely.
“Do you believe I should marry you because someone from our society may see us together?”
“We are not just together. It’s after midnight.” Her throat clogged with tears. “The scandal will be horrifying, Richard.”
His mien remained cold and dispassionate, and her heart broke even more.
“Do you hold any affections for me at all? Do you possess even a morsel of love for me, Richard?”
“Do I love you?”
“Yes.” She tilted her head defiantly. “Do you?” she asked, finally unafraid and unashamed to ask the question her heart had long desired to know.
His handsome face twisted with angry regret. “From the moment I met you, Evie, you ensnared my heart and my fucking soul without me being aware of it.”
A lone tear spilled over. “Then why will you not marry me?” she asked hoarsely. “I now stand on the brink of ruin and complete disgrace. We both know what will happen the second those carriages arrive and this news travels to town. Everyone will treat me as if I am a pariah and I will be cut by those of our society.”
He leaned forward, his elbows pressing into his thighs, his eyes roaming her face. “That heartbreak you feel now, Evie, the hollowness rising inside as you imagine being vilified by all you love, imagine being torn from your family and friends, and not briefly, but for months, years, possible permanent estrangement. The loss of hope that you feel about not belonging, being cut at balls, and watching the invitations to society’s events dwindle…that is what you will always endure being married to a man like me. I’ve taken the lives of men, I walk and drink with people who are the dregs of this world, the scum, the nobodies. The dirt and filth I deal with will be transferred to you. Being caught in this carriage with me is a scandal that will be forgotten in a few months, which will be swept aside like ashes in the wind when you’re married to someone with distinction, a title, and an impeccable reputation. I will never pander to the whims of a cruel and indifferent society, bowing and living my life based on their opinions. I’ve long lived by my own code, and because I’ll not change, I will always be resented by polite society.”
Her heart was beating a terrified tempo. “You are a marquess, a future duke, the world will not hate you forever. You are wealthy and powerful, even now, they cannot cut—”
“No, Evie, I did not speak lightly when I said we are worlds apart. You visit my estate in secret, you speak and play with my daughter, never slighting her and I adore you for it, but it is done in secret, Evie. You would never let it be known to your friends and family you took off your shoes and played on the grass; that in the past you’ve slipped away and you actually visited my tenants and ate with them on St. Stephen’s Day. I’m certain you did not tell your fashionable set of the gifts you handed to my tenants’ children, for they would shame you for it. I doubt you would ever allow the polite world to know how much you are coming to love Emily. If we marry, what would you do, encourage me to ship her to boarding school? Or would you also publicly claim her as our daughter? Claim all the children as ours?”
“I—”
“You would not claim her or the children. If you tried, society would flay you alive for even daring to associate with me. I’ve already suffered the betrayal of one woman who should have protected Emily with everything inside her. What faith do I have that you will withstand such a challenge and not turn your back on those who share my heart when you can no longer withstand their derision?”
Her throat ached, and a deep pain pierced her heart.
“Our time together has been more than I ever dreamed of, but you would be ashamed to call my life your own, and I would not suffer for us to be the brunt of your shame and disdain. I will not suffer having a wife who is enmeshed in a cruel and hypocritical society that I loathe. A wife who will no doubt feel keen regret at aligning herself with my family and me after she is made to feel the wrath of society for daring to acknowledge a bastard, and for marrying a disgraced lord.”
She slowly swiped away the tears running down her face. “This is what you believe of me? In all the years we have been friends, this is what you truly believe in me as a person?”
A chilling distance formed within his gaze. “Yes,” he said flatly.
Her eyes closed against the condemnation in his eyes, and she felt as though she couldn’t drag enough air into her lungs. “And this is why you have been so adamant in not courting me, despite the affection and the desires you palpably possess for me?”
“Yes.”
“Oh!” She could not think without pain. “It is not for you to determine my strength and tell me what I will wilt under. You do not get to decide my strength.”
A hard smile touched his lips and he waved his hand, encompassing them. “And you are kidnapping me. Is that not you, Evie, deciding for me when I’ve said I will not be a party to a pain you cannot yet comprehend?”
All of her dreams shattered into pieces around her silly naive feet.