Since he brought it up… "Dagesh, it was a gorgeous ceremony and it made me happy to feel so loved and have everyone celebrating our union. Where did you get the idea that I wanted a Jewish wedding, though?" I smile to take the sting out of my words. I don't want to sound accusing, because it was a lovely, thoughtful gesture. It's just that I don't talk religion with my mate. It's always been personal to me, and they don't have the same belief systems we do here. I'm not sure they have much of one at all, other than they join with the universe after death or something.
Dagesh doesn't know anything about being Jewish. Or weddings. I'm just curious who filled his head with the idea that I needed one.
He searches my face. "I want you to be happy with me."
"I am happy—"
"No," my mate says. "You have said before that there is something that holds you back. Something you need. I think it is this yoo-ish wedding, and so I ask others to help me make you happy." He takes my hands and brings them to his mouth, kissing my knuckles. "I can feel it when we are together, in the furs. You draw away from me in your mind. Is it because we were not mated properly in the eyes of your people?"
Oh boy. We had this conversation once and he made me feel like a degenerate for even asking for more in bed. But if he's noticed that I'm not as…into sex as he is, we need to have the conversation at some point. I steel myself for a moment, taking a deep breath, and then speak. "Dagesh, baby, when I said I wanted something you couldn't give me…I didn't mean a wedding."
"What was it, then?" He looks crushed. Absolutely crushed that he went to so much effort only for it to not be what I needed.
I feel like such an ass. I pull my hands from his, pacing. "It's just…something in bed." How do I explain this without sending my poor alien mate running for the hills? I think for a moment. "You know how with the trail cakes? How some people really like the food super, super spicy and others like them…uh, not spicy?"
I wanted to say “bland” or “normal,” but those two words would have such bad connotations in this conversation.
He watches me intently, and nods. "Humans do not like the spice that sa-khui tongues do."
"Right. Okay. Now let's take that thought and apply it to sex. Some people like it…spicy." I give him an encouraging look.
Dagesh blinks. "You want food when we mate?"
Oh yeah, this is going so great. "No. Babe. I'm saying that I need a little something…more when we have sex. Something that maybe the others don't when they have sex. For it to be what I need, it has to be…more."
"More what?"
I bite my lip, because I know he won't understand. Best to just rip the band-aid off quickly. "I need you to hurt me."
His eyes widen and he looks slightly aghast, just like he did when he bruised me before and I loved it. "You what?"
"I like rough sex," I say bluntly. "I'm fine with regular, vanilla sex, but…it's just okay for me. It doesn't hit all the cravings I have. It's just…nice." I'm on the verge of tears, because it feels as if I'm stabbing my sweet, wonderful mate in the heart. "It's not your fault, babe. I mean it when I say it's not your fault. It's just that…for me to truly, truly get off, I need you to be rougher with me."
Dagesh looks at me with wounded eyes. "You want me to harm you?"
"I know," I say dully. "You don't do that. It's wrong of me to even ask you. It's not your thing. But…you asked what I needed. And…it's not a wedding."
"You need me to…make you suffer." He says the words as if he's the one suffering.
I shake my head. "It's…it's not like that. It's a kink. Some people like sex from behind. I like my hair pulled or my ass slapped or when you get really rough with me. It's not that I want to be in pain. It's just…it's hard to describe when you look at me like that." A hot tear slips down my cheek. I feel so stupidly exposed and yet I know I'm doing him a disservice, because I'm having a difficult time talking about it. "I don't know how to make you understand."
"My No-rah," Dagesh says in a soft voice. "You have my heart. I have never been so happy in my life as I have been in these last hands of days when we mated. But I cannot hurt you. It goes against everything that I am."