"I know," I say sadly. "Trust me, you already made that really clear. I'm trying to be happy without it. I really am." I smile brightly at him. "It's just sex, right? It doesn't change how I feel about you. That's why I didn't say anything. And I was hoping that maybe in time, I wouldn't need that feeling anymore."
"But you still need it now?" he asks.
I think. Do I? I imagine my mate shoving me down into the furs and holding me down as he fucks me roughly, and it sends a hot tremor through me. Oh yeah. I still need it. I nod.
Dagesh runs a hand down his face. "I…I must think."
"It's okay if you can't give me what I need," I tell him softly. "Not everyone likes that kind of thing." In the past, if I was dating someone that wasn't into what I wanted, we'd just go our separate ways. We'd break up when the sex was no longer doing it for either one of us, and that would be the end of it. But I've never felt for anyone like I feel for Dagesh. I've never wanted someone to change in bed for me.
And I want it now, and that's wrong. I know it's wrong. So I say nothing, because what is there to say?
Dagesh watches me, his heart in his eyes. He rubs his face again, then turns and leaves our cave, pulling the screen behind him once more. Giving me privacy. I know he needs to think about what I've told him. I know he needs to process it.
It still hurts, though.
14
DAGESH
The moment I exit my cave, I am thrown back into the festivities.
The festivities that my mate did not want…because she was not sad about yoo-ish weddings. She was sad because she does not like our matings. She is sad because she wants to be hurt when we mate and I am too gentle with her. The thought makes my gut clench. How can I hurt my mate?
How can I do anything to harm her? It goes against everything that I am. A mate should be cherished and adored. I think about our first mating, when she came so hard I felt her ripple around my cock and clench around me so tightly. I have not felt that again…because I bruised her in that first mating and was ashamed. I have been careful ever since.
Too careful, it seems.
My heart hurts. I smile as the chief and his mate wave at me, but I do not approach them.
I need to think. I cannot think with everyone passing sah-sah around and laughing as if they have not a care in the world. My world feels as if it is tumbling to pieces around me. How did I not notice this before? Am I so blind to my mate's happiness? I knew something bothered her, but I did not think it was our matings.
She wants me to…harm her.
I shudder, tugging on my long braid as if it will somehow help me clear my mind. I head for the cave entrance, needing air. I need to draw a few deep breaths to calm myself. I step outside, and the air changes from over-warm to briskly cold. Good. I need this. I take a few more steps into the snow and suck down deep breaths, willing myself to calm down. To think about No-rah.
I have said I would do anything for her…but I am not sure I can do this. I look down at my hands. They are so much bigger than her small ones, and I could easily crush her underneath me. The thought makes my stomach clench miserably again.
"You okay?"
The voice is small, timid and female. I glance over and see one of the human females—an unmated one—sitting on a rock outside. She has a large fur bundled around her shoulders to keep her warm, and when she offers me a faint smile, I try to recall her name. She is a chatty one, I think. The one that had a broken leg when we rescued them and talked to Haeden as he carried her, making him so utterly annoyed that he could not wait to get away from her.
"Yo-see?" I ask?
"Close enough," the female says. "Josie." She lifts her chin at me. "You don't look happy. Is everything okay?"
"I am well, Jo-see," I say automatically, and then laugh harshly at my own lie. "No, I am not well. I am miserable."
"Oh." Her quiet answer hangs in the air between us. "Do you…need to talk to someone?"
"I do not know." I move toward the rock where she sits, tugging on my braid again. "Why are you out here?"
"You're not the only one miserable tonight." She gives me a faint smile. "I'm a little envious of the wedding. Okay, a lot envious. It was sweet and beautiful and I worry I won't ever have a mate. So I'm moping to myself out here in the cold when I should be in there partying. That's my big secret." The smile on her face does not reach her glowing eyes. "You won't tell anyone?"