Silence. I hate silence. Silence means thinking and thinking means judgment.
Ryan edges closer to me and flips my hair from my face. “You let the police arrest you instead of your mom?”
Missing my shirt, I draw my knees back up.
“Wouldn’t you?”
“Beth. ” I hear the tense hesitation in his voice. “What you did is admirable, but it’s not normal. You shouldn’t have to take the fall for your mom. You shouldn’t have to pick up a baseball bat to defend her…or anyone. ”
He straightens and I watch as our trip into Louisville clicks into place. “In fact, you shouldn’t even be taking care of your mom.
You knew she would be at the bar, didn’t you?
You knew what you would be up against. This is screwed up. Your mom should be taking care of you. Not the other way around. ”
My throat tightens. There is no way he could ever understand. “It’s what I do. She needs me. ”
Ryan runs a hand over his face and shifts off the bed. His body pulsates with a dangerous energy as he paces the floor. “What were you fighting about with Isaiah that night outside the coaching facility?”
“Nothing. ” I give the answer too quickly, and the pointed glare from Ryan tells me he knows I’m hiding the truth.
He continues his circle of the room. “I heard him tell you that you belonged in Groveton, and tha
t’s when you went nuts. You were going to run away that night, weren’t you? That’s why you were mad at him. He stopped you from going. ”
Panic surges through my body and I hop off the bed. Where did he throw my shirt? I have to go before he figures it out. A black blob lies in the corner. I take two steps and strong arms grab my waist.
“I already said you aren’t running. ” Ryan’s light brown eyes bore into mine. “From the moment I began to care for you, I’ve always felt like you were slipping away. Sometimes when you kiss me I feel like you’re saying goodbye. I kept telling myself that was in my head. That you’re scared to love me so you retreat. It’s more than that, isn’t it? Scott won’t let you near your mom so you’re planning to run away with her. ”
Ten minutes ago, I wanted nothing more than his body close to mine. Now his closeness is too much. I need space and I can’t move.
His fingers press tight into my skin.
“When?”
My mouth becomes dry and I stare at the floor. This isn’t how tonight was supposed to go. Ryan raises his voice and yells, “When?!”
I don’t want to lie to him. “Soon. ”
Ryan moves his hands off my hips and curls me into his body. A body that a few seconds before stood solid in anger. My heart breaks from the desperation of his defeat. His forehead rests against mine and his hand grips my hair. “Stay, Beth. ”
I close my eyes and wrap myself around him. I’m going to miss this: Ryan’s strength, his warmth, his love. “I love you, Ryan,” I whisper, half hoping he doesn’t hear it. Why does everything hurt so damn bad?
His body stiffens and my heart stops. Maybe he did hear me. Ryan places his hands on my shoulders and gently pushes my body from his.
His eyes dart over my face. “I don’t lose.
Do you hear me? I don’t lose and that includes losing you. I’m done being kept in the dark.
I’m done feeling like you’re slipping right past me. You are not saying goodbye to me. I’m in love with you and you love me back. You’re staying. ”
Ryan says it as if it’s an easy decision. Like I could forsake my responsibilities. Like these chains that have been strangling me for years can easily be cast off. “I can’t. ”
The anger and confusion drains from his face and the calm and control I’ve only seen while he’s on the pitcher’s mound take command. “I won’t let you go. ”
I blink. As if he could stop me. “You won’t let me go. ”
“No, I won’t let you go. You’re mine and I don’t lose. ” He rests his hands on his hips and I see the same cockiness from Taco Bell, as if telling me to leave my mother to die is no different than asking for my phone number.