Man and timber fell one more turn. Vimes landed with a rib-bending thump across one step, while those around it gave way. Rocking gently on the one tough log, he listened to the thuds and booms as the fallen timber continued to the bottom of the shaft.
" - !" Vimes had intended to swear, but the fall had knocked the breath out of him. He hung like a folded pair of old trousers.
It had been a long time since he"d slept. Whatever he"d been doing on the slab it hadn"t been sleep. Normal sleep didn"t leave your mouth feeling as though glue had been poured into it.
And only this morning the new ambassador for Ankh-Morpork had strolled out to present his credentials. Only this evening Ankh-Morpork"s commander of police had set out to solve a simple little theft. And now he was dangling halfway up a freezing shaft, with a few inches of old and unreliable wood between him and a brief trip to the next world.
All he could hope for was that his whole life wasn"t going to pass before his eyes. There were some bits of it he didn"t want to remember.
"Ah... Sir Samuel. Bad luck. You vere doing so vell."
He opened his eyes. A faint purple light just above him illuminated the form of the Lady Margolotta. She was sitting on empty space.
"Can I give you a lift?" she said.
Vimes shook his head muzzily.
"If it makes you feel any better, I really don"t like doing this," said the vampire. "It"s so... expected of vun. Oh dear. That rotten old log doesn"t look very - "
The log snapped. Vimes landed spreadeagled on the turn below, but only for a moment. Several stairs broke and dropped him a further flight. This time he caught hold of one and was, once again, dangling.
Lady Margolotta descended regally.
Far below, the broken wood boomed.
"Now, in theory this might be an almost survivable vay of getting back down," said the vampire. "Unfortunately, I fear that the descending logs have smashed many of the vuns below."
Vimes shifted. His handhold seemed secure. It might just be possible to pull himself up...
"I knew you were behind this," he muttered, trying to will some life into his shoulder muscles.
"No, you didn"t. You knew that the Scone wasn"t stolen, though."
Vimes stared at the serenely floating shape. "The dwarfs wouldn"t think that - " he began. The log under him gave the little nasty movement that announces to any luckless passengers that it is about to land.
Lady Margolotta drifted closer. "I know you hate vampires," she said. "It"s quite usual, for your personality type. It"s the... penetrative aspect. But if I vas you, right now, I"d ask myself... do I hate them with all my life?"
She held out a hand.
"Just one bite"ll end all my troubles, eh?" Vimes snarled.
"Vun bite vould be vun too many, Sam Vimes."
The wood cracked. She grabbed his wrist.
If he"d thought about it at all, Vimes would have expected to be dangling from a vampire now. Instead, he was simply floating.
"Don"t think of letting go," said Margolotta as they rose gently up the shaft.
"One bite would be one too many?" said Vimes. He recognized the mangled mantra. "You"re a... a teetotaller?"
"Almost four years now."
"No blood at all?"
"Oh, yes. Animal. It"s rather kinder to them than slaughter, don"t you think? Of course, it makes them docile, but frankly a cow is unlikely ever to vin the Thinker of the Year avard. I"m on a vagon, Mister Vimes."
"The wagon. We call it the wagon," said Vimes weakly. "And... that replaces human blood?"