“You’ve succeeded,” she reminded him.
“I know,” he answered. “But I didn’t expect to survive it.”
“What?”
“I didn’t expect to live through it. I’m a cavalry officer. I expected to die in battle.”
“But you didn’t.”
“No,” he answered. “Unfortunately, I never planned beyond it. I never planned for the future. I was never afraid of dying, I was afraid of not being where I was needed. And now that I’m home…” He looked at her. “I don’t know what to do with the rest of my life.”
“I heard you were returning to your regiment,” she said. “I heard you’d been offered a command. Is it true?”
“You don’t need me,” he said. “You need someone stronger. Someone who won’t disappoint you. Someone who won’t let you down.”
She blinked back tears as she looked up at him. “I love you, Griffin. You’ve never let me down,” she answered. “Until now.” Alyssa turned back to the duke of Sussex. “Shall we?”
Griffin tried again. “Alyssa…”
“Go back to the cavalry,” Alyssa told him. “Keep your promises to your Free Fellows League. Keep your promises to everyone except me. Leave. Go back and become England’s greatest dead hero since Nelson, but please, stop setting me free. Stop breaking my heart.” She reached for Sussex’s arm, but her tears blinded her as Sussex stepped back and Griffin took his place. Neither of them noticed him slipping away.
“You love me?” Griffin asked, dumbfounded by her revelation.
Alyssa gazed up at him. “Of course, I love you,” she said simply. “I’ve loved you since the moment you kissed me. Do you honestly believe I’d have turned down a duke to marry a viscount if I hadn’t loved you?”
Griffin laughed. “Yes, I did. Because you said you didn’t want to be a duchess.”
“I was an idiot,” she told him. “And you, an even bigger one.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“How could I confide my feelings?” she asked, lifting her chin a notch. “Why should I? You didn’t tell me anything except that you needed a wife before you left to join your regiment. You didn’t tell me about your Free Fellows League, or the vows you took, or the full nature of the work in which you’re engaged. You kept it a secret but you made no secret of the fact that you didn’t want me. I understood your loyalty to your league and your great love for the cavalry. I was under no illusion. I knew you intended to join your regiment and I understood that marrying me was simply a means to that end. But you aren’t the only one cursed with a full measure of pride, Griffin. I share your affliction and I learned that it was better to keep my feelings to myself than to hear how little I mattered to you. You only wanted me in order to get an heir and I failed to do that.” She hesitated, then took a deep breath and continued, “And now, you’re trying to be rid of me. And although, I hate to admit it, I know it’s only a matter of time before you succeed. You’re a hero now. And a duke. Nothing is too good for you. There’s no reason for you to remain tied to a barren bride. Once all the fuss dies down, you shouldn’t have any difficulty petitioning the church for an annulment. That was, after all, the only reason you ever needed me. You had the Free Fellows and the cavalry and you didn’t want anything else.”
“You knew about the Free Fellows?”
Alyssa nodded. “I was standing behind the potted palms that night at Almack’s. I heard you talking about the Free Fellows with Shepherdston and Grantham.”
“And after hearing all that, you married me anyway?”
“Of course.”
“Thank God,” he breathed. “Because I don’t want to let you go. And your ability or your inability to conceive an heir has nothing to do with it. I love you, Alyssa. I love you more than the cavalry. I love you more than the Free Fellows League. I love you more than life itself.”
She frowned at him. “Well, you have a most peculiar way of showing it. You set me free.”
Griff snorted. “I tried to set you free. I tried to be noble and do what’s best for you…”
“You’re what’s best for me.”
“Am I?”
“Of course, you are.”
“I want to be the best for you,” he admitted. “But I’m not at all certain that I am or that I ever can be.” Griff stared at her, memorizing her features and the expression on her face. “When I was on the Peninsula, I believed I could be. I read your letters and I knew in my heart that you were my soul mate—my other half—and I believed that I was yours. I wanted to be. With all my heart. I thought I could be, but after everything that’s happened—” Griff’s words caught in his throat and he had to work to get them out. “I’m afraid,” he whispered. “I barely sleep and when I do, I dream of war. I dream of all I’ve seen and done. I see their faces and I wake up in a cold sweat. Christ, Alyssa! You’ve seen me. My hands shake. I ask you, what kind of hero has hands that shake uncontrollably? What kind of hero is afraid of crowds? Of fireworks?” He shook his head in disgust. “Bloody hell!”
“Bloody hell is right,” Alyssa answered vehemently. “That’s what you’ve been through. Of course, you’re afraid. Who wouldn’t be after all you’re endured? You spent a year in hell. And you’ve only just returned home. You haven’t given yourself time to heal. It will get better.”
“Time heals all wounds?”