Even though his heart attack wasn’t right after, it was hard for me to think it didn’t have something to do with it. I couldn’t help but think if I’d never left town, my dad would have never sold his house, never made the investment, and never lost his money.
That kind of thing ate at my stomach even after all these years. It was hard to think I’d killed my dad in a way, killed him because I couldn’t be satisfied with small town life. Couldn’t be satisfied staying there and marrying someone like Aspyn.
Damn. Aspyn. Always back to her. Yet another person I’d failed.
I chuckled to myself. I was so pathetic.
“What’s so funny?” Carl said.
“Nothing, just remembering a joke I saw on TV the other day.”
I wasn’t ready to open up that much to Carl. He already knew enough about my nightmares.
Of course, there was no way I wouldn’t run into Aspyn in town. It was inevitable. What would she say? She probably thought I’d abandoned her. She was right.
Sure, I had my accident excuse, but the truth was, I’d been too much of a coward to face her after my injury. I didn’t deserve her. I hoped she’d found a good man who could take of her.
Her dark hair and brown eyes lingered in my mind as we hit the highway.
I shook my head. I needed to remind myself I didn’t deserve her.
Besides, I wasn’t back in Livingston for Aspyn. I was there to cure my nightmares.
* * *
“Now, I hope you haven’t forgotten how to work a ranch,” Carl said with a smirk. “It’s been a while, right? Do you need me to tell you the difference between cows and horses?”
I scoffed. “I think I need to show you the difference between my left fist and my right fist.”
Carl chuckled. “Same mouth as ever.”
We were walking through Carl’s ranch. Not huge, some cattle, a few horses, that sort of thing. He was never going to get rich off living there, but his family had been running that ranch for 100 years. I’d spent a lot of time as a boy hanging out there and helping work it during the summer. A lot of my best memories involved that ranch.
My dad had suggested I get the job there or look into going into the carpentry business with him, but I was going to leave, get my business degree, and be some big shot in the big city.
I didn’t know why I couldn’t be satisfied in Livingston. Maybe because my dad had been, and I wanted to be more than him. It wasn’t like I wasn’t happy there when I was growing up. I just always felt so confined, at least when I wasn’t around Aspyn.
I’d convinced myself that was the memories of a horny teen who wanted to plant himself in his voluptuous friend. Maybe it was more. Didn’t matter. I’d screwed that up now for good.
Then I’d gone off to school, and I still hadn’t felt much better, even before my dad’s death and dropping out. The problem had never been Livingston, maybe, but me. Always me.
A horse nickered at me, and I chuckled. Some things never changed.
I looked over to find Carl staring at me. He quickly looked away. That was the third time I’d caught him doing that. He obviously had something he wanted to say to me but was chickening out. I hated that crap.
I wondered was going on, but I didn’t want to push it. Carl knew I was screwed up about my nightmares. He probably just didn’t know what to say. I wouldn’t if the situations were reversed.
We arrived at our destination: a small, single-bedroom guest house Carl’s dad had built years ago. I’d helped him finish it during the summer. We’d taken to calling it the cabin.
When I thought about it, it might have been one of the reasons I went into construction. There was something so satisfying about seeing a building you helped put up.
“I figure you can stay here,” Carl said, motioning to the cabin. “Running water, electricity, and all that.”
“I remember.”
“I wasn’t sure.” He shrugged.
It was serendipity that I’d stay in a place I helped build with my own two hands. I could afford my own house, but I didn’t want it. This was good. No. Better than that, it was perfect.