Nate kissed her ear and held her for a long, quiet moment. Finally, Stella swallowed and managed to say, “I don’t know how you’re such a good person. How did you become such a good person?”
“Couldn’t say,” he rumbled in her ear. “My mom would probably tell you that it was a good Christian upbringing.”
Stella laughed a little. “Well, I—didn’t have that, I guess.”
There was a pause. Then Nate said cautiously, “What do you mean by that?”
Nate’s embrace was so warm. His arms were so strong. His words were so kind. It didn’t seem fair that Stella had to make herself pull away from all that, but...it was.
She met his eyes. “I just don’t see how it can be right. You’re so—you risked your life to serve your country. You started your own business, and it’s really successful. You’re helping me just because Ken asked you to and you want to do the right thing. Meanwhile, I’m...” she waved a hand.
“You’re what?” Nate asked, startling her with his vehemence. “You’re raising your daughter on your own after her no-good dad abandoned you? You’re working your butt off so she can go to college?”
“I didn’t—” Stella tried, but he held up his hand.
“I’m not done. You’re being incredibly brave in the face of one of the scariest things that can happen to a person. You face a world that’s given you a lot of hardship and cruelty with a grace that I can only hope to emulate somehow. You’re a good person, Stella.”
Stella bit her lip hard. But she couldn’t hold out in the face of all of that, and a couple of tears spilled over.
Nate caught her hands and kissed them. “Don’t cry,” he said with terrifying gentleness.
“I’m not sad,” she managed.
“I don’t think you are.” His eyes were infinitely blue and infinitely kind. “I just wish that all of that wasn’t crazy enough to make you cry when you hear it. I wish you knew it already, deep in your heart.”
“It just doesn’t seem right!” Stella said furiously. “I guess it’s not—it’s not like you’re Mother Teresa and I’m some awful murderer. I don’t know why I’m having such a hard time thinking that we’re on the same level.”
“Do you want my guess?” Nate said gently.
She nodded.
“I think you’ve had so many experiences where people or things let you down, that you think it’s all your fault. I mean...I promise you this isn’t judgmental, it’s just that from what you’ve said, it sounds like you’ve had a few boyfriends.”
Stella tensed. “A lot of boyfriends,” she whispered.
Nate’s hands tightened on hers. “I told you, I’m not judging at all. I’ve dated so many women, I’ve lost count. But the difference is...I knew every minute with them was casual. Fun, physical, and that was it—I went on my way. Because my way was solid, and paved, and going somewhere I could follow with some basic hard work and dedication.”
Stella had to suspect that spending years as a combat Marine and then starting your own business and building it up to be as successful as Ken said Nate was went beyond basic hard work and dedication. But she could see what he was trying to say.
“But I think you were trying to build something with your boyfriends,” Nate continued. “Right? And it sounds like they kept on stepping away from the plate, instead of up to it. Letting you down, and leaving you alone again.”
“It’s my fault, too,” Stella protested. “I could’ve stayed somewhere instead of moving around so much, built up a real foundation for Eva, started working my butt off fifteen years ago instead of now. Other moms do.”
Nate pressed, “And was there something wrong with trying to find a good relationship, a place where you could live your dreams and be a mom?”
Stella rubbed her eyes. “I thought not.”
“There really, really wasn’t,” Nate said. “Eva’s not sad or traumatized. She’s fine, she has a good mom.”
She stared at him, wanting to believe it. It was weird—Lynn had tried to tell her something similar. That had been strange, too, because Stella was used to Lynn being her severest critic. But since they’d moved back in, Lynn had obviously been rethinking their relationship, tryin
g to see Stella with different eyes.
I wish I hadn’t judged you so hard, her sister had said. You and I are different, but that doesn’t mean your way of doing things is wrong. You’ve seen a lot more of the world than I have, had a lot more experiences, taken a lot more risks. And you’ve still raised a fantastic daughter. I’m proud of you.
It had meant a lot, coming from Lynn. Stella had cried, hearing those words.
But she hadn’t quite been able to believe it.