“Good to know he’s smart enough to plan for a future with you. ”
Lexi wrapped her fingers around the iron until they turned white. A tortured sound rolled in her throat. “Why is this so hard? I love him. I love everything about him. Why does jumping terrify me?”
“Sweetheart, you’re asking the wrong woman. ”
Lexi faced her, mirroring Rubi’s stance. “Okay. Spill. What’s going on with you and Wes. ”
Wes. Rubi’s insides took a major hit, a fiery-nuclear-bomb-type hit. Pleasure expanded deep in her belly. A warm, tingly, sexual thrill that crept steadily higher like a rising tide. But by the time it reached her chest, the silky excitement turned into searing, prickly tendrils and wound around her heart, her throat, until every vision from the night before vanished. The only thing filling her mind was the bottle of Xanax in her glove compartment.
“Don’t you have to get back to the shop?” Rubi asked…a little too hopefully.
“You’re way off your game. I made sure I had everything covered so we could talk when you got here. So talk. ”
Rubi’s first instinct was to shut down. Shove the fanged monsters of fear back into the dark, slam the door on every muddy shadow from her past, and stand in front of her internal scars with her best I’m-so-over-all-that-shit expression.
But for the first time in her life, an emotion other than fear weighted her heart. The identity of that emotion was still murky. Desire? Affection?
Love?
Her lips parted, and she drew a breath to say…something. But she found her chest too tight, her mind too mushy. And all that came out was an uneven, “I think Wes and Jax are a lot alike. Determined. ”
“I’ve always envied your ability to be so free in your sex life,” Lexi said. “So…open…to going for it. To getting what you want. ”
Rubi tensed. “But…?”
“Are you happy, Rubi?” Lexi’s beautiful face, usually so open and light, now compressed with concern. True, heartfelt concern that made a new, sweet ache bloom around that damn knot. “Really happy?”
Rubi wanted to do what she always did—laugh off her concern. Add an airy, careless wave of her hand and assure her friend that her life was perfect.
When she only squinted into the sunshine showering downtown LA, Lexi went on. “This last month is probably the happiest I’ve ever seen you. Don’t you feel how good it is, Rubi? Healthy. Happy. Just plain right?
She did. Which was what scared her into silence. The stakes were high for Rubi. Higher than they were for Wes. If things went south with Wes…
Rubi saw an edge disintegrating beneath her feet. A bad fallout between her and Wes would inevitably cause tension between Rubi and the other Renegades. Tension between Rubi and Jax. Tension between Jax and Lexi. And ultimately, tension between Rubi and Lexi.
Messing things up with Wes could very well mess up every relationship that mattered to Rubi. Leaving her alone. Completely alone.
Yet, she felt so strongly about Wes, the thought of backing away from him now laid a boulder on her heart.
She. Was. Fucked.
Lexi shifted on her feet. “Rubi. ”
She curled her fingers around the iron railing, her gaze fixed on her deep-red manicured nails as she flexed, tensed, flexed, tensed. Then she clenched her eyes shut. “Okay. I…have a problem. ”
Her throat grew tight. She had to pause and push the burst of irrational panic down before she could go on.
“Wes and I…”—she wet her lips and scraped her upper lip between her teeth—“had sex. ” Voicing it made all her anxiety intensify. “And…and…it was great. Beyond great. Better than I expected, and I expected phenomenal. ”
Rubi labored to gather air again. Her heart beat fast, adding pressure on her lungs. She opened her eyes but couldn’t bear to look at Lexi. She didn’t know what she’d see, but part of her didn’t want to know.
“I’d…tell you that’s awesom
e, because it totally is,” Lexi started, her voice guarded. “But I’m guessing by how you’re acting it’s too awesome, right? So awesome you’re going to have to fuck it up because you’re terrified. ”
A world of emotion floated in Lexi’s words. Understanding, disappointment, heartache…and that always-present unconditional love they’d shared from the beginning of their friendship. Her tone made Rubi’s fears seem both ominous and ridiculous at once.
“I know. So stupid, right?” She tried to laugh at herself, but it came out weak. “I mean, seriously, I couldn’t ask for a better guy. He even left after without me having to shove him out the door. ”