“Moving on. We’ve discussed many things in our sessions together, Josh. But the one topic you always seem to dance around is Drew.”
“And I’ve fuckin’ told you, that’s not up for discussion.” I bark loudly.
“What are you hidin’ from, Josh?” Dr. Hampton continues to push me in the wrong direction and I’ve had enough.
“I’m done with this shit today.”
“Josh, I really wish you’d let me help you. Drew’s had his clutches in you far too long, and it’s clearly evident that he’s the Puppet Master in the relationship. Why are you so loyal to him, Josh? Talk to me!” Dr. Hampton doesn’t relent.
“You need to let me work this shit out in my own head. I can’t just lay it all out there like it’s some fuckin’ fairytale, because it’s aint. Our friendship is dark and sinister. Drew has done unimaginable things for me and I’m indebt to him and probably always will be.” I’ve already said too much. I cross my arms over my chest and glare at her furiously.
“Okay, Josh. I won’t pry any further. I understand this is a very sensitive matter for you, and I don’t want to cause you more stress. I can only hope that in time you will confide in me enough to share the details behind your relationship with Drew. We are scheduled to meet weekly, but at any time you feel ready to discuss Drew Varney please let one of the guards know.”
I cross my arms under my head and concentrate on the flickering fluorescent bulb that’s about to blow any minute now, counting out reps quietly to myself. One hundred twenty six, one hundred twenty seven, one hundred twenty eight…The incessant buzzing noise has become music to my ears, lulling me to dream when my restless mind won’t give way to sleep. For the second time in my life – that I can actually remember – I’m battling a flood of emotions that has me wrecked.
Twenty-five years to life. That’s
just what I’m facing as it stands…I’m sure once the Feds dig deeper into my background the charges will just continue to grow. It’d be my fuckin’ luck.
Dr. Hampton has worked tirelessly with me tryin’ to sort through what fucked me into the monster that I am. Truth is, I don’t need help figurin’ it out. I know what fucked me up, who fucked me up. But the truth is too depraved to voice. I own it and although there isn’t a day that goes by that it doesn’t gnaw a little more of me away, I’ll do whatever I can to take that fuckin’ shit to the grave.
The monster inside me is the product of wicked manipulation. Evelyn Hager stripped me of my innocence with her sadistic sexual abuse. In that years’ time I lost sight of who I was inside. I began to push everyone away, my grades dropped significantly and I quit sports. My parents were concerned that I was addicted to drugs…I could have only been so fuckin’ lucky. At least then enduring her assault would’ve been clouded with toxic chemicals instead of staying freshly vivid in my mind.
Drew, being my closest childhood friend never gave up on me, he refused to let me shut him out. He knew something terrible was causing the changes, but I couldn’t bring myself to admit the truth to anyone. My world did a complete one eighty on the fateful day that Drew walked in bearing witness to the abuse. His demeanor was the usual calm and calculated that he always displayed; impressive for that of a sixteen year old. Yet the fury in his eyes and venom lacing his voice was a drastic contrast to the Drew I’d always known. Even I felt the fear behind his warning. He saved me from any further humiliation and abuse, threatening to expose Evelyn as a child-molester if she ever came near me again.
Although I was mortified that Drew had caught me in my most vulnerable state, I was thankful that he so brazenly put an end to my suffering.
Oh but how the suffering was only to begin.
Little did I know that his salvation would come with a price: a debt due that he’d forever hold over me. Drew recognized my compliancy, taking Evelyn’s manipulation and abuse as his own. He was methodic in his deceptions. His control developed slowly through time, urging me to break curfew, then coercing me to lie and steal money from my parents. It all seemed petty at the time, cover one little white lie with another, and I was too naïve to realize the destructive path he was leading me down. I put my trust in my best friend, sure that he’d never lead me astray. I allowed my loyalty to overshadow his deceit. Three eighty seven, three eighty eight, three eighty nine.
Drew Varney’s claws will never descend from my flesh. The heinous acts I’ve delivered at his requests are unspeakable. Not only because of the guilt I bear for such acts, but because Drew always finds a way to walk away from every fuckin’ situation smellin’ like a damn rose. I’ll only bury myself in the darker pits of hell by coming forward with our crimes and as prideful a man that I am, I truly believe death would be less painful than carrying the burden of my sins.
The dark hatred that I own for Drew is pure and natural. He created the monster within me without conviction and because of him I’ll suffer indefinitely. Because of Drew I’ve lost the only beauty I’ve been graced with in this life. The torture and suffering Savannah received at my hand will forever haunt me. I love her yet I fuckin’ hate every breath she takes because I know I don’t deserve her. I’ve always wanted to claim her, mind, body and soul, receiving her love and letting the beauty of her light cast my demons astray. But that perfection is only an illusion in my world. I can see it, but each time I reach out to grasp it, it’s tugged from my reach, denying me the one thing I hunger for the most. The cruel twisted animal that I am deserves no redemption, my sin can’t be forgiven. I’ve accepted my fate and the reckoning that’s due.
“Five hundred!” I roar thunderously as I draw in my last sit up. Cold beads of sweat drip from my forehead and I rest my elbows on my knees inhaling slowly as my breathing regulates. A low whistle resonates through the dimly lit halls, a little jingle filtering into the sound with every other step. As the guard strolls past my cell I call out, “Hughes, need a favor.”
Hughes turns on his heel and glowers back at me. “Ah yeah? Favors cost in here, man.”
“Has it ever been a fuckin’ issue in the past?” I ask him, tilting my head curiously. I grip the cool, rusted metal roughly in my hands, the knuckles of my scraped fist white with tension.
“What’cha want, Moore? I’ll see what I can do.”
“Need ya to call James McCoy and tell him it’s urgent.” Hughes eyes me suspiciously, running his fingers against his day old five o’clock shadow.
“That’s it? Call your attorney? Have you finally fuckin’ lost it, Moore?” He chuckles.
“Fuckin’ make the call now before I change my damn mind.”
Chapter Seventeen
I know I’ve lied to myself over how I feel about Luke, but I never dreamed the feeling was mutual. Now I’m scared more than ever because I can’t give him want he deserves. Not only am I still battling Josh for divorce, but I don’t know that I’m ready to move on. I’m stuck in limbo.
Colton decided to pamper Carly with a Momma’s Day Out. Being the selfless big Sister that I am, I happily agreed to go with her. Wouldn’t want her to suffer from boredom or loneliness while sitting through a daunting pedicure. And to be quite honest, I could use a little pampering myself – not to mention some breathing room from Luke. He was less than pleased with our plans and had a hard time loosening the leash, worried something might happen to me while left in a vulnerable state without his constant protection. But Colton assured him that Carly and I would be safe together.
“Sweet heavens, it’s been too long since I’ve been able to enjoy silence!” Carly giggles. “Silence used to drive me insane, ya know. Now I can’t get enough of it. It’s either a screamin’ baby, loud mouth seven year old or mining machinery blaring in my ear. So this is so very nice.” She relaxes into the massage chair, grinning like the Cheshire cat as her eyes drift closed.
This is quite nice. I’ve always kept my appearance up with frequent spa treatments and having my hair colored and trimmed often. But I haven’t treated myself since this summer and it’s terribly apparent. My hair is ragged with dry, dead ends and little specks of silver glistening under bright light. I’m too damn young for greys, but stress will do it to ya, for sure. My nails are brittle, yellowing and chipped. I look like hell in a hand basket, which ain’t a pretty sight.