“Did he tell you we’ve been—” I hesitate, trying to decide what exactly it is that we’ve been doing. Are we dating?
“He told me that you two have been spending time together,” she says, saving me from my thoughts. “He told me that he’s been happier these past several weeks than he has been in a long time.”
“What else did he say?” I ask hopefully, loving what I’m hearing so far. “I mean . . . if you can tell me. If you can’t, I understand.”
“Are you kidding? Hell yeah, I’ll tell you. This stuff is important, and we women need to know these things.” We both laugh and I look down, noticing that we’re still holding hands . . . and I like it. I like having someone here with me—someone that’s close to Levi. It almost makes me feel like he’s here with me.
“Laney, Levi has been different than most single men that I’ve known. I’ve never seen him with a girl more than once, and he was never in a relationship. Now I know why. It’s because he couldn’t get over you.” Her words slam into me and my heart bursts with the news that he couldn’t get over me. It’s a little unsettling to hear that he’s been with other women, but I’m not going to let myself dwell on something I can’t change. “Levi came over for dinner the other night, and he just looked so light and free . . . completely different from the Levi I usually have over for dinner. The clouds in his eyes were gone, and I love that you were able to do that for him.”
Admittedly, I’m a little jealous that he went over to her house for dinner. I know she has a fiancé and I probably shouldn’t care, but Levi and I have been talking every single day and he hasn’t once mentioned it. “The sad thing is that I’m the one who put those clouds in his eyes. And I hate myself for that.”
“Oh no. We’re not doing this. No regrets, darling. The past is in the past, and what matters is that you’re here now and you’ve found each other again,” Harley says, looking like she might know a thing or two about what’s she’s saying. “Laney, I don’t think you get it. The boy can’t stop talking about you. He drove Tyson and me nuts. Not that we don’t love hearing about you,” she clarifies, “because we do. But seriously, for like two hours it was Laney this and Laney that.”
If a soul could smile, then I think that mine just did. It not only smiled, but it sighed and it laughed. Knowing that I’m making Levi happy again makes my soul happy. “Thank you,” I whisper. “I needed to hear that. I see the happiness in him and the change from when I first got home, but it’s nice hearing the words.”
“That’s because men are stupid,” she says, puckering her lips. I laugh at her and she smiles. “It’s true. They just have no idea about anything, and that’s why we girls have to stick together. So trust me. When you do find the right time to tell him, which should probably be sooner rather than later, he’s not going to be mad. Sure, he might be upset that you didn’t tell him sooner, but that’s something he has to get over. This is your life, Laney. It’s your journey and I can tell that it’s been a rough one, and you still have so far to go.”
“I know,” I sigh, leaning back in my seat.
“I read your chart because you’re my patient today,” she says with a hesitant look, “but I’d love to hear it from you. Will you tell me about it?”
“There isn’t much to tell. I was taking a shower, found a lump, and within the blink of an eye, I was having a mammogram and then an ultrasound followed by a biopsy. Honestly, I don’t really remember the visit where the doctor told me it was malignant. By that point, I was numb. It was like my mind had just shut down in an attempt to preserve my sanity. But I’m lucky enough to have a really great friend who stepped up and took notes and made sure I was where I needed to be. I decided to have the whole breast removed rather than just the lump, and now here I am”—I frown, looking at the tubes and wires that are attached to me—“getting chemo every other week in hopes that if there is any cancer left after the surgery, this will kill it off.”
“Wow,” she says, eyes wide. “You just seem so strong and unaffected by it all. When I saw you at Flame, and then again at the Senior Center, you appeared to be full of so much fire and life, and right now you look really great too. What’s your secret?”
“Trust me,” I laugh mirthlessly, “I am far from unaffected. I hate this. I just choose to deal with it privately. Sometimes I feel like if I can look like I’m holding it together, then it will make it easier for everyone around me.” A lump forms in the back of my throat and the tears I pushed away just moments ago are starting to reappear. “But it’s hard. It’s so hard. There are days that I don’t even want to move, and I’m not sure if it’s because my body is worn out or because I’m depressed. And that . . . that’s a whole other ball game.”
“What do you mean?” The machine attached to my IV beeps, and Harley stands up and messes with a few knobs and buttons, making the machine quiet back down.
“I’m so happy right now with Levi, and when I’m with him, I’m able to forget all of this.” I lift the tubing attached to my arm. “But when I’m by myself, my mind takes control and it starts running in a thousand different directions, most of which aren’t good.”
“I’m so sorry, Laney,” Harley says and exhales deeply. “I hate this for you. No one should have to go through it. For what it’s worth, you should tell Levi. Especially if you plan to keep seeing him. He wouldn’t want you to go through this alone.”
“But that’s the thing. I don’t want him to do it out of pity.” I rub my hands over my face. “I want him with me because he wants to be with me. Not because he feels bad for me or thinks I might d—”
“Don’t! Don’t say it. That is not going to happen, and I don’t even want to hear it come out of your mouth. Plus, he’s already with you and he doesn’t know. So when he does find out, I swear to you that he’s going to want to support you one hundred percent.”
“I’ll tell him. I promise.”
“Good,” Harley says, giving my hand a gentle squeeze. “And although I hate that we’re getting to know each other under these circumstances, I’m really glad we got the chance to talk.” She rises from the chair. “So, my lunch break is over. I got pulled down here because someone left sick, so hello”—she reaches out her hand playfully to me—“my name is Harley, and I’m going to be your nurse for the rest of the day.”
I shake her hand firmly and we both laugh. “It’s been a pleasure meeting you, Harley. I’ll be your patient for the day, and don’t mind me . . . I’m not going anywhere for the next couple of hours.”
“Hey,” she says, dropping my hand. “Do you have someone here with you? A family member or friend? I can go get them for you, if you want.”
“Nope. Today it’s just me.”
“Okay, well now you have me.” She smiles and I smile back, knowing deep down inside of me that she really means that.
“HOW WAS YOUR DAY?” Levi steps up to my back, nuzzling his face into my neck. I’m sure he would wrap his arms around me if he could, but the burning stove and scalding hot pan in front of me might be a bit of an issue right now.
“Good,” I laugh, scrunching up my shoulders because the scruff on his jaw is tickling me. “Now go. Stop harassing me. I’m trying to work here.”
“No way.” His soft lips pepper kisses up and down the length of my neck, and he stops to suck on the soft spot just below my ear. “It turns me on to watch you cook.”
“It does?” I spin in his arms, spoon held high, and smack a kiss right on his mouth. “Then I should cook for you more often.” He nods his head in agreement and brings his mouth back down on mine. As much as I love Levi’s kisses, I don’t have time right now—I need to finish this food. I pull away from him, nipping his bottom lip as I do, and he growls in response. Then I twirl back around to check the pasta.
“Is it ready?” he asks, peering over my shoulder.