“No,” I whispered.
“Why not?”
I gave a half shrug. “Mostly because I’m afraid they won’t want to talk to me. Or maybe I’m afraid they’ll tell me something about Bishop I don’t really want to know.”
“But if you move back and Bishop is with someone else, you need to deal with that. Are you going to be able to deal with that, Abby?”
Swallowing hard, I answered, “I think so. I mean, I have to, right? That’s why I’m going home. I can’t keep living my life like this, pretending I’m okay. The only way I can move on is to go back and face what I was running away from. I hope that Bishop will at least let me talk to him, to apologize for what I did. Maybe he’ll let me explain, or maybe he’ll tell me to fuck off.”
Carol laughed. “I’m glad you’re being realistic. I don’t think he’ll tell you to fuck off, but you need to be prepared for him to be angry.”
I wrapped my arms around my body when a sudden chill caused me to shiver. “I know.”
“Can you ask your folks if he’s with someone?”
The back of my eyes stung with the unshed tears I forced away. “I think I should know what I’m walking back into. I don’t expect that he sat around and waited. Especially since I made the biggest mistake of my life when I divorced him.”
Carol turned from where she’d been making lasagna. She grabbed a towel and dried off her hands. Oh Lord, she was about to put on her therapist hat. “Tell me, Abby—if he is with someone, what will you do?”
I swallowed the sudden lump in my throat. “Nothing.”
“Nothing?” she asked. “By your own admission, leaving him was a mistake, the divorce was a mistake, and you still love him. You want to tell him why you left.”
I turned and faced the water again. Bringing my hand up to my mouth, I stared out over the bay. “Yesterday was our anniversary. I almost called him, Carol.”
“What stopped you?”
I shook my head and wiped my tears away. “What if…someone else answered? What if he’s happy? It’s been almost two years, and I can’t expect him to be waiting for me. I’ve dated. I’ve seen him with someone. I don’t blame him for moving on. I’m just not sure I’m ready to accept it, even though I’m trying to tell myself I have to.”
“I’m putting on my therapist hat.”
I glanced back at her over my shoulder and let out a half sob, half laugh. “I thought it was already on.”
She shook her head. “Yes, you’ve gone out on a few dates. It’s never amounted to anything. Has there even been one guy you’ve gone on a second date with?”
“No.”
“Slept with?”
“No, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Though I almost did with Jason.”
“Oh yeah, he was cute!” She waggled her brows. “I was really hoping you slept with him.”
My mouth fell open as I stared at her. She waved me off and went on.
“You’ll need to brace yourself for what you’re going to find when you go back to Boggy Creek, if you choose not to call him ahead of time. To not call anyone.”
I felt a tear slip free, and I quickly wiped it away.
“Let’s say, for argument’s sake, that he’s moved on from the anger phase,” Carol said. “He’s a man, and his pride must have kicked in. I’m going to guess that’s the reason he stopped communicating with you. Even if he’s past that phase, the moment he sees you—if he even has a shred of feelings for you—he’ll react.”
“How?”
Carol shrugged. “I don’t know, sweetie. I’d hazard a guess that his instinct will be to try and hurt you like you hurt him.”
I felt my chest grow tight. “That’s fair enough. I deserve it.”
“Maybe, maybe not. You had a lot of emotional baggage when I met you, Abby. You only just started talking about the loss of the baby eight months ago. You’ve got to learn to stop shouldering the blame. You messed up, you tried to reach out to him, and he pushed you away. I think you need to prepare yourself for the fact that he might try to do it again. He’ll be pissed, he may say something hurtful, and if he does, you’ll need to work through it by either calling me or going to see the therapist I told you about in Boggy Creek.”
I nodded. “I’ve already called and made an appointment to meet with her.”
Carol smiled. “Good. That makes me happy to hear. She’s really going to be able to help you cope with the loss a lot better than I’ve been able to.”
Walking over to her, I took her hands in mine. “You’ve been such a blessing to me. The moment I told you about the baby…it felt like a huge weight had been lifted off me.”