“Heartless, I know.” He wraps his arms around me. “But I’m here, and right now I’m all you’ve got, so stop being stubborn.”
I fall silent. Rainier’s right. Now is not the time to be stubborn. Besides, I’m too tired to fight him.
He wraps his arms tighter around me. They feel nice. Safe.
I relax and bury my mouth against one of his biceps. “You’re right. I can’t save everyone. I can’t even save one young woman.”
“But you and Dr. Keller tried to.” He strokes my hair. “That’s what matters.”
“I… saw her mother. I saw Clarissa’s mother. I heard her wailing.”
“I know. And I know it’s hard. But you’ll get used to it.”
“Get used to it?” I almost laugh. “I don’t think I ever will. I can’t. You’re right. I won’t survive. I’m too soft. I’m – ”
Rainier cups my face. “Listen to me, Ellis. What happened to Clarissa was not your fault and it definitely doesn’t make you a bad doctor. You have the makings of a great doctor.”
My eyebrows crease. “But you said – ”
“I know what I said. I know I said you have a big heart, but that is exactly what makes you amazing. You care about your patients. You love what you do. There’s nothing wrong about that. It means you’ll do your best to save lives, but it also means that when you fail, it will hurt more than it should.”
I nod and sniff. “It does hurt.”
“Then you’ll just have to live with the pain. And I know you can. I know you’re tough even though you sing lullabies to the babies in the nursery and you can’t stand anything spicy from the cafeteria.”
My eyes grow wide. “How did you know?”
“How do you think?” Rainier strokes my cheek. “I’ve been watching you, Ellis Smithson.”
I feel more confused. I know I’ve been running into him all over the hospital because, well, we both work here, but him watching me? Why would he do that when he told me to forget about him? Doesn’t he hate me?
The wheels in my head stop turning as Rainier’s lips press against mine. The smell of him, the feel of him washes over me like a strong wave and knocks away the breath from my lungs. A tide of excitement and desire rises inside me, threatening to carry me away.
I summon every ounce of willpower to place my hands over Rainier’s and pull my face away.
“Rainier…”
“Ellis.” He says my name like a chime and I look up.
His gaze pins me down, eyes warm and inviting. My reluctance evaporates.
Like he said, he’s all I’ve got right now, and I can’t push him away. I don’t want to.
I lean forward and kiss Rainier firmly. My fingers become entangled with his curls. My other hand strokes his back.
He cradles my jaw as he kisses me back. He caresses my shoulder, my arm. His tongue rubs mine playfully, sending ripples of heat through my veins. Our lips separate and then collide again, each time harder, hungrier than before.
We’re pieces of driftwood being swept away.
Rainier pulls the top of my scrubs off. I peel off the shirt underneath and take off his scrubs. As he kisses my neck, I straddle his lap and wrap my arms around him. My fingers knead the muscles of his broad shoulders. My palms press against his lean back.
I just want to feel as much of his warm skin against me as I can. It’s like a drug, addictive, dizzying, numbing me with pleasure so I no longer feel the pain inside my chest.
He sucks on one of my breasts through my bra and I throw my head back as I let out a gasp. His hand slips inside my underwear. His fingertips brush against my sensitive nub. I shudder.
I’ve known since my college anatomy class that the clitoris is a sensitive bud of flesh, a woman’s pleasure button equivalent to the head of a man’s penis. I’ve tried touching it before. Just once. That was the first orgasm I ever had. My clumsy fingers don’t hold a candle to Rainier’s experienced ones, though.
He strokes me, strums me. He rubs. He plucks. He twists. My hands grip his shoulders. Moans, gasps and other sounds I never knew I could make spill out of my mouth. My eyes roll to the back of my head.
“God.”
“Just for now, I’ll let you call me that,” Rainier replies.
I intend to chuckle but end up letting out another gasp instead as Rainier pushes my bra up and circles one of my nipples with the tip of his tongue.
Now he has two nubs of flesh captive, both under his command. And the rest of my body is following suit. My heart hammers in my chest. Adrenaline pumps through my veins. My arms and legs tremble.
Between my legs, a burning ache begins. Some of the molten pleasure stirring in my core escapes and seeps into cotton. If he doesn’t take my panties off soon, I’ll have to change into a new pair after this.