I smile sadly at my little adult and kiss his forehead. His friend opens the front door to the house, and Mrs. Herrera waves from behind him, and Ty unbuckles his seat belt and grabs his overnight bag out of the backseat of the car. He opens the door and yells hi to his friend and grins at me over his shoulder, and then he’s gone too. I watch him run up to the front door, and he turns and waves back at me, and I wave frantically at him, and then they’re inside, and the door is shut. I turn the car around and drive away, feeling strangely alone. Then my phone beeps, telling me I’ve got a new text message from the Kid.
love u Papa Bear
“THE Kid’s the one that asked to stay the night at a friend’s house?” Otter asks me a few hours later, when I’m on my break. “Uh-oh. How’re you holding up?”
I switch my phone to my other ear and kick the ground. “What do you mean how am I holding up?” I say bitterly. “I’ve never been better.” Obviously.
He snickers in my ear. “You sound like it.” He pauses for a moment and then says, “Maybe this is a good thing, Bear. Maybe he’s finally starting to trust the world again.” I know this is hard for him to say, as we both know he’s a big reason the Kid lost that trust in the first place. It’s not all Otter’s fault, of course, but it certainly didn’t help, either. I think of six mean things to say, but I let it go. I must be getting old.
“I guess you’re right,” I sigh. “I just thought this wouldn’t happen until he was at least thirty.”
“It’s good it’s happening now,” he tells me gently. “I think that he’s going to start becoming his own person. But you… you’ve got to let him.”
“I know!” I say, angrier than I intend. “I’ve wanted this more than anything in the last three years, you know? For him to be okay. But now that’s happening… I don’t know. I think that it’s too much too fast. What if something happens? I won’t be right there to make sure he’s okay!”
He takes a deep breath. “Bear, you can’t always be right there for him for everything. You both need to be able to do your own things. You’ve never even had a chance to do stupid things like most people your age.”
“I don’t need to do stupid things!” I retort. “I’m perfectly fine doing what it is I’ve been doing for the last three years. It’s kept us alive so far, hasn’t it?” I’m starting to breathe heavily, starting to feel the blackness of despair. I don’t tell Otter that I haven’t been able to focus all day. I don’t tell him that I’ve checked my phone every minute for the last four hours. I don’t tell him that I’ve already called the Herrera household and spoken to Mrs. Herrera, who assures me that everything is going okay. I know that Otter is right: I haven’t really had a chance to do anything. I’ve been so tied up making sure Ty is okay that I never focused on what I want. There have been moments, sure, where I’ve felt small waves of resentment, but I’ve learned to shove those feelings down before they can amount to anything. But still… now that I finally have a chance to do something on my own (even if it’s just for one night), why do I wish t
hat everything would just go back to the way it was?
“Bear, he’s just staying at a friend’s house,” Otter says, sounding amused and exasperated all at the same time. “I think he’ll be okay. I know you’ll be okay.”
I shake my head. Once again, people just don’t understand. “I guess,” I mutter.
I can hear him grinning through the phone. “So what are you going to do tonight?”
I hadn’t thought about this. An entire evening stretches out before me with no obligations, no need for me to worry about the well-being of another. I shudder as I feel loneliness nipping at my heels. “I don’t know,” I tell Otter morosely. “I guess I’ll just go to bed and try to get some sleep.”
He snorts in my ear. “I only asked to be polite. I thought it would be rude to tell you to get your ass over here when you get off of work.”
“I don’t know, Otter. I don’t think I’d make very good company tonight.”
“Bear!” he barks at me, and I wince. “Don’t feed me that bullshit!”
“My house is closer to where Ty is at in case he needs something,” I say. “It would make me feel better if I had at least that.”
“Fine,” he says. “Then I’m coming over to your house.”
“Otter,” I say, about to tell him no. I think that I’m just putting up a front because there’s a deep dark hunger that has taken over my mind. It’s the thought of Ty not being around. It’s the thought of me being on my own for once. It’s the thought of not having to be quiet or worry about what the Kid is doing in the next room. This yearning roars through me, and I do little to quell it. I feel ashamed and wrong and dirty, but I can’t stop it. Unbidden thoughts stroll through my head, and I blush furiously, thankful no one can read my thoughts and see how depraved I am. How horrible I am. How I am acting like such a… whatever.
“I’m not taking no for an answer,” he growls in my ear, which does little to squash the monster that’s roaring from somewhere inside me. I feel dizzy as I think, What’s happening to me?
I’ll give you three guesses, and the first two don’t count, it says sweetly. However, I think we’re past that, don’t you? Why don’t you just do what it is you know you want to do? There’s always room tomorrow for remorse. But until then….
I think incoherently of devils and their silver tongues.
“Okay,” I say meekly.
He exhales in my ear, and it sounds good. “I’ll come to your work before you get off and pick up something for dinner,” he tells me happily.
“You’re going to make me dinner?” I say, trying hard not to grin like an idiot. “Again?”
I hear him laugh. “I’ll see you in a few hours.”
“Okay.”
“Hey,” he says.