The words smote Sarah as she saw the look of hero-worship in her daughter’s eyes.
Jodie turned to Gemma. ‘Ben is so cool. He’s my mum’s boss, and he is really funny and kind and—’
‘Jodie, honey, you need to grab your stuff. You can show Ben the slime later.’
‘OK.’
Jodie led the way past the stairs and detoured into the kitchen, supposedly for a glass of water. She made another detour on the way back from her bedroom, into the lounge via the dining room, and Sarah was pretty sure she was looking for Ben.
What had she done? What had she done?
Had Jodie forged a connection with Ben?
Calm down.
She was overreacting.
‘Tell Ben I’ll see him later.’
‘I will, sweetheart. Have a lovely day.’
Sarah waved goodbye, then closed the door. The click sounded stupidly final—a ridiculously ominous marker that a showdown was imminent.
She made her way to the lounge, where Ben was standing, and desperately tried to tell her heart not to flip, whilst simultaneously wishing she could walk over and smooth the crease from his brow.
‘Hey,’ she said.
‘Hey. We need to talk.’
‘Yes. I’m not sure what to say.’ Too many conflicted thoughts jumbled her brain. ‘So you go first.’
‘I’m sorry. Last night should never have happened. It broke every one of my relationship rules—and yours.’
True. Yet she didn’t regret her choice, and knew that even if she could turn the clock back she would make the same decision again. Because it had felt right.
Before she could say anything, he started to pace, ending up in front of her, his eyes haunted. ‘Look, Sarah, I never intended to cause you hurt, or diminish your self-respect in any way.’
The pain in his eyes was acute and she spoke quickly, hoping he would hear her sincerity. ‘It’s OK. There was nothing cheap about last night,’ She placed a hand on his chest. ‘My self-respect is intact. But you’re right. It shouldn’t have happened. You’re my boss.’
Last night that fact hadn’t even crossed her mind—hadn’t once entered the equation. It didn’t make sense that even now she couldn’t seem to conjure up any sense of guilt.
Suddenly the penny dropped and a clamminess sheened her neck.
She’d slept with Ben because she loved him.
No! Dropping her hand from his chest, she stepped backwards—as if by not touching him she could deny the knowledge. She couldn’t love him—that way lay madness of a whole new type. What had she done? The ramifications started to roll in, sucker-punching her one after the other. Because in her foolishness she’d enmeshed Jodie in this false illusion.
It was love that had persuaded her to stay here with Ben, to go on outings with him, to have cosy heart-to-hearts. And Jodie had picked up on the signals. She remembered the look in her daughter’s eyes from only moments ago, the tone of her voice. Panic threatened to engulf her.
Think. What to do?
‘Don’t look so worried,’ she managed to say. ‘What’s done is done. We both made a choice last night and, right or wrong, we can’t change it. The important thing is what we do next.’
Breath held, she waited, forcing her
self to keep still, knowing that despite everything, despite all the evidence, she wanted Ben to pull her into his arms and to say that he too had had an epiphany. That he loved her...wanted to try and make a go of it...be a family...
Get real.