Even in the unlikely event that he’d try, how could she take that risk for Jodie? How could she put her daughter on the line? How could she have done this? Slept with him? Fallen for him?
This madness had to stop. Now. Before she scaled the heights of utter stupidity.
His voice was tight, almost brittle, his lips twisted, his eyes shadowed. ‘We need to figure out damage limitation—what is best for you, what is best for Jodie.’
‘It’s best if Jodie and I leave today.’
She had to get them out of there—away from his presence, away from the spell he had cast.
Forcing her tone to remain even, terrified that those piercing eyes would read her all too well, she said, ‘I don’t want Jodie to pick up any vibes. It’s the weekend and she’ll be hoping that we’ll all go out. The whole thing will become awkward. Also, the employer-employee line is way too blurred now. If I’m going to stay in this job we need to redraw it.’
Hold it together.
He ran a hand through his hair. ‘Where will you go?’
‘I’ll find a B&B. Make it an adventure for Jodie.’ It was what she should have done in the first place.
‘I’ll pay. We could choose a five-star hotel, or a—’
‘No! This isn’t about money and that would take away my self-respect. I’ll go and start packing.’
Turning, she headed for the door.
‘Stop. Please.’
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
AS SHE SWIVELLED round to look at him Ben wondered where those words had come from. He only knew that they had been torn, wrenched from the very depths of him. Because he didn’t want her to go.
Then what do you want?
He didn’t have an answer. Ever since he’d woken up he’d felt as though he were in a deep freeze, all emotions wrestled into lockdown so that he could figure out the best way forward, how to negotiate a way out of an agreement he’d actually failed to make.
Because the previous night had been nothing to do with a ‘trade agreement’. Panic flickered inside him. Last night had transcended the physical—holding her, laughing with her, desiring her, the way she’d fitted into the crook of his arm.
‘I... I don’t want you to go.’
Brown eyes stared at him, the golden flecks seeming to glint with an extra luminosity, a directness that turned the flicker of panic inside him to a full flame.
‘Why not?’
The pounding of his heart bruised his ribcage, echoing in his ears as he struggled for an answer. Why didn’t he want her to go? And why did this hurt? Why was pain searing his gut, squeezing his chest?
All these years he’d avoided hurt and pain—had never wanted to cause or receive it. And, dammit, he wouldn’t—couldn’t—change that now. The idea of causing Sarah even a moment of hurt was more than he could bear. But he didn’t want her to go, and that was irrational, foolish and ultimately pointless. Because he had nothing more to offer her. And if she did stay, then what?
Think of the subsequent mess. He had no experience of relationships. They were messy, complicated, scary. And it wouldn’t just be himself who’d be risking it, it would be Sarah. And it would be Jodie. It was a non-starter.
This only proved that his rules had been right to begin with. They still held. The mistake he’d made here was that he hadn’t stuck to them. Now there needed to be damage limitation. Sarah and Jodie would leave, his life would return to normal and all these messy, emotional things would vanish too.
Sorted.
But still, all he wanted was to go and pull her into his arms, hug her close, take her hair out of its ponytail and, yes, give her everything she had ever dreamed of. Ironically, if it were money she wanted—jewels, clothes, holidays—he could. But Sarah wanted more than that, and he didn’t have it in him. He wouldn’t risk being the catalyst or the cause or the trigger of pain ever again.
And so he stepped back. ‘I don’t want you to go because it’s not necessary. You stay here. I’ll move out for now.’
‘That’s mad. This is your house.’
‘I know, but it makes sense. I can easily go away for a few days.’