Her expression looked stricken and filled with guilt. “I’m sorry. I just… I was too afraid to take the risk.”
“I thought I felt pain six years ago when I was forced to leave you, but that was nothing compared to this,” I rubbed my hand over my chest as if that would help make my heart stop hurting.
“I’m sorry. I was wrong.”
“Yes. You were.” I wanted to lay into her but didn’t want Hannah to wake up and find me yelling at her mother. “I have to get out of here, but this isn’t over Beth. I will be a part of her life, so you better not be planning to leave New York.”
The surprise in her eyes told me that was exactly what she planned to do.
“I won’t take her from you,” I assured her, “But I sure as hell won’t let you take her from me either. I will fight for my rights.”
She nodded. “You don’t have to fight with me, Ash. I won’t try to keep her from you.”
I stared at her again, trying to figure out how I could have been so wrong about her. “I’ll be in touch tomorrow. But if she needs anything tonight, you call me.”
“Yes. Of course.”
Unable to look at her any longer, I turned and strode out of the house. I decided to walk a bit before going home. I’d hoped the walk would calm me down, but with each step, my anger grew. All this time, I’d blamed my father and Beth’s father for getting between us. I bore my share of responsibility by admitting I should have stood up to them, damn the consequences, but that didn’t mean I didn’t deserve to know about my own child?
Now, I had to blame Beth too. I could let her off the hook about the letter, but she had five years to try again. And if not that, she had the last few weeks to tell me. All those times I was inside her, bringing her pleasure and not one fucking word about a child.
Ben knew too and didn’t say anything. Beth said he told her I should know, but he didn’t tell me. Was that my punishment from him for fucking her in the first place? Then a new thought came, and my anger ratcheted up to nuclear levels.
I strode back to my car and drove to the building where my father owned a penthouse apartment. The whole way, I seethed, anger brewing as I wove through the traffic like a maniac.
I parked outside his building, not caring if it was a legitimate spot or not.
I was allowed in by the doorman and I made my way up to the top floor.
When the door opened, I immediately gripped my father’s shirt and pushed him back into a wall.
“Did you know!?” I roared at him.
“What’s got into you, son?” my father’s eyes flashed with surprise.
“What the hell, Ash,” I heard Kade say. He came over and tried to pull me off my father.
But I held on tight. “About Beth’s child. Did you know? Did you know she was mine?”
“What the fuck?” Kade said under his breath.
My father’s brows lifted, but then lowered and I saw guilt. “I knew she had a child. I didn’t know it was yours.”
“You’re a businessman. You understand how math works. How did you not know?”
“I didn’t know there was a child until a year or so ago. I just figured she married or had a man in Europe.”
I’d thought the same thing at first. I was going to let him go and then I remembered the letter she sent. “Did you intercept our attempts to contact each other?”
A flash in my father’s eyes confirmed my suspicion. “The point was for you two go on with your lives. That’s what McAdams wanted. As far as I’m aware, she only sent the one, so she didn’t try very hard.”
“Don’t!” I pressed against him, feeling my anger heat up my skin. “Don’t put this all on her.” I shook my head. “What did I ever do to any of you to deserve this?”
I gave my father a light shove and then let him go. I strode to his bar, wondering how much booze it would take to knock me out so I could stop feeling if only just for a moment. Then I remembered Ben. Was that how he’d gotten started on the path to his self-destruction?
“You okay, Ash? Can I get you a drink?” Kade said in a rare showing of concern.
“No.”
“No as in not okay or no as you don’t want a drink?” he asked.
“Both.” I dug the heels of my hands into my eye socketed. “She totally betrayed me. She never planned to tell me. Even now when we’ve been spending time together. I fucking loved her and she kept my child from me.”