Chapter 7
Aiden
The carpet is goingto have a rut in it after I'm done. My mind keeps going over why in the world she would come to me with this now? She said we would never be able to contact the family, and so the hope for it has dwindled down slowly over the years of ever getting the chance to meet Jake. Yet, here she is, saying I can write a letter and they might let me meet him. What the hell? He's eight years old, why didn't she say anything about this before now?
Sure, I wasn't ready to be a father then, but I sure as hell would've stepped up. It irritates the piss out of me, that my child is out there being raised by someone else. He is going to grow up and think I didn't want him, and that couldn't be further from the truth.
My mind goes over all the things I've missed out on as his parent. All his firsts as a baby, plus first day of school, and probably first sports game. So many things I would have never missed if I was able to be a part of his life. Hazel took the chance away from me, and now she wants my help. I understand her regretting the decision, but why didn't she think of this sooner? Why now?
I love her, but I never put two-and-two together about how enraged I have been since the adoption. Listen, I get it, being eighteen and finding out we were going to parents' was scary, but I still think we could have provided for him. If Hazel would've let me, Massachusetts isn't such a bad place to live, and I could have watched him during the day while she was in school, and worked at night. Instead, she never even gave me the option and I think that is what infuriates me the most. I didn't let myself see the repercussions of her decision that would affect my life.
My life would be different had we raised Jake. I'd be a proud dad, and we would play catch out in the yard, and watch football games together. Maybe Hazel and I would have worked out, and she would still have graduated. The what if is what gets everyone. Not knowing what would of happened, but wondering what if about all our decisions.
My hand swipes across my face, trying to pull myself together, because at some point, we are going to have to work things out. I'm going to have to talk to her about this, and say some possible harsh words, but if I keep it all bottled up inside, it's only going to eat at me.
The inherent drinking problem of mine is getting worse, and as much as I'd love to stop, it's not that easy. It's how I ease my pain, and deal with stuff. Is the fact that this has been eating away at me silently the reason for this problem? It could be, but I can't take that out on Hazel.
The possibility of getting any sleep tonight is gone, and the only thing that will calm my brain will be getting answers. My eyes look at the time on the clock, thinking she might already be asleep, but I pull up Instagram and ask for her phone number.
It might be late, but there are things I need to say to her, and if I don't do it now, who knows if I'll ever say them. Hazel might be the girl I've never gotten over, but we still have our qualms.
My phone dings, and a notification with her number leads me to call her.
"Hello?"
"It's Aiden."
The silence on the other end tells me that she isn't able to sleep either. Maybe this is fucking with her as much as me. "Can we talk? In person?"
"I'm staying at my dad's."
"I'll send an UBER." Hazel doesn't respond, but I can hear her breathing. "See you in a bit."
Hazel coming over is the best way for us to work through this, and yes there might be some arguing and possibly screaming, but it is needed. She needs to tell me what made her make this decision besides Harvard? Why didn't she trust me? Even if she didn't want to be with me, though she never said that, I never would have abandoned my son. Sometimes, I think back and wonder why I didn't stand up for myself. Legally, I could have talked with an attorney and gotten custody possibly, since she didn't want to keep him. Why didn't I? If I did, then neither of us would have these regrets right now, or have to fight to even know how Jake is doing.
I go to the fridge and grab another beer, knowing I'm going to need it with the conversation that's coming ahead. Hazel will undoubtedly tell me things that I might not want to hear, but both of us need to get this off our chests while we can. Once she's back in Massachusetts, who knows how long until I hear from her again.
A rap sounds at my door, and I hustle over to open it.
"Hey."
Hazel walks in, staring down at her hands, not making eye contact, and takes off her coat, sitting it on the back of the couch.
"Have a seat. I think they are some things we need to discuss. And not just about our son."
She sits down on the far end, and covers her face with her hands briefly before pulling them away. When she finally faces me, her eyes are red, and her makeup smudged. Fuck. I hate seeing women cry.
"Go ahead. I'm a horrible fucking person. I know," her voice breaks.
My hand waves around, and my pulse elevates. "No, but it should have never happened. We could have raised him. Or just me."
"How the hell did you plan on taking care of a child, Aiden? Neither of us had jobs. Besides college dorms, we lived with family."
"I would have changed my whole world to have Jake in my life. You didn't even give me a chance!"
Tears start spilling down her face, and she wipes them with her shirt sleeve. "Listen, I can't take back what I did. It's done. That's why I'm here asking you to help. Do you want me to beg?"
Hazel isn't acting like the same girl. She would have never begged for anything, let alone bawl in front of someone. When we were younger, her emotions were in check, and half the time I didn't even know if something was bothering her. Adulthood has definitely changed her. Is it evil to say I like being able to see her emotions?