But if Helen’s an adult, where does that put me in the scheme of things? Am I a guardian who just has lecherous thoughts about her, or am I something more? Am I an asshole if I take advantage of her trust in me?
I don’t have answers, and I desperately wish I had someone I could talk to. Someone that could understand my struggle and help me piece through it…unfortunately, all I’ve got is Adiron.
So, head ringing, I return to the bridge.
My oh-so-sympathetic brother hoots with laughter the moment I appear. “Your nose looks like one of my keffing testicles! I didn’t know it could swell that big!”
“Shut up.” I move to my normal seat and pull up the logs I keep on the screen at all times, but I’m not thinking about them right now. Instead, I’m thinking about the woman who is even now in the mess hall, cleaning up after Adi, because she says she wants to be “useful” on our trip. We’re only a day in and I’m already a mess about Helen. If this goes on for much longer, my distraction is going to destroy our mission. I have to make a decision, and soon. Whirling around in my chair, I turn to face him. “Can we talk?”
“I didn’t do it,” Adiron says automatically.
“Do what?”
“Whatever it is you’re about to ask.”
I resist the urge to clench my jaw and try to remain calm. It’s not Adiron’s fault I’m wound tight. “Helen—”
Adiron puts up a hand. “Before you yell at me, I just want to point out that she’s not a kid. She’s an adult, even though no one seems to want to treat her like one. Since I’m here and she’s here, I thought it might be smart to teach her how to defend herself, just in case things get ugly.”
That’s…surprisingly astute for my rock-headed brother. “You’re right.”
Adiron pauses. “I…am?”
I nod. “I’m trying to change my way of thinking about Helen, too. She’s innocent but she’s not a child.”
“That’s right,” Adi says encouragingly. “And it’s clear she likes you. And I think you like her. But you can only push her away for so long before she gives up on you and moves on.” He frowns at me, cocking his head. “I don’t know if you realize this, but you’re really not good at letting people in, Matty.”
Swallowing, I nod again. He’s right. I’m not. I’m the one that has to be responsible, that has to think of the family before I can think of myself. It allows Kaspar to be his reckless self, and allows Adi to be…well, Adi. I want them to have the freedom to be who they want to be, because I’ve had responsibility thrust upon me all my life. I’m used to it. I was the one that was sent off to military school when I was a child because I was the va Sithai heir. When the family lost their fortunes and my parents killed themselves over the shame of it, I left school and ran the estates as best I could, borrowing credits and propping up accounts with any business deal I could take simply to keep up with appearances. After Vanora had a successful marriage, when credits grew even more dire, I took to piracy and told no one, knowing I would shoulder all the responsibility if I ruined the family name. It was only after I had some success (and Adiron finding out the truth) that I allowed my younger brothers into the danger.
Then we adopted Zoey, and I had to be her older brother and parent all at the same time.
I’m always the responsible one. Always. I can’t leave things for others and assume it’ll be taken care of. Better to just do it myself. “I don’t know how to let people in,” I admit to Adiron. “Other than you and Zoey and Kas.”
“You didn’t let us in,” Adiron corrects. “We sorta punched our way through.”
Fair enough. “All right, then. I don’t know how to let Helen in.”
“She’s the sweetest person in the universe. Just like, open your arms and give her a hug. She’ll do the rest.”
He makes it sound as if it’s really that easy. As if it won’t be an absolute unmaking of me and everything I am. If I let Helen in…it changes everything. It’d be easier to push her away for good, to tell her that it’s not right for me to court her. Yet I don’t like the idea of letting her go, either. I think of the guards back at Port furtively slipping her pornos so they can ask her about them and something in me cracks to the point of breaking.
I want to step on their necks and I want to make it hurt. Just for daring to talk to my Helen.