I Can Fix That

I talked about Emma, too. I wasn’t sure what to say there. I held overwhelming guilt for the last year because when I should have been thinking of her - all I could think about was you.

You were constantly running through my mind no matter how much I tried to push you out. This was supposed to be simple. I was supposed to lead a straightforward schedule of home projects and new constructions till I was old and gray. I was going to stay in line and leave every other aspect of my life out.

But then there was you. The polka dot, vanilla coke-obsessed, crocheting distraction that I tried to throw to the side, but you kept skipping back to me. After driving around and thinking for so long I came to the conclusion- Does my whole life have to revolve around one event?

Am I really going to sit around and believe that I don’t deserve the pleasure of being with you?

Each day I am closer and closer to coming home to you.

Always wishing you were near me,

Your fixer upper.

Hart,

Beau called me.

Said you were selling the house.

My heart is broken at the thought of you giving up on yourself. I am on my way to you but I have to write this before I go.

I have lived a life of trauma and pain. I have lost almost every important person in my life and with that, I assumed I would never allow myself to attach to anyone else.

I once told you I couldn’t give you what you deserve, and maybe I shouldn’t have the opportunity now. But when I heard you were listing I offered as high as I could- and I’ll be damned if I lose it and you.

I am coming home, baby. And when I get there I want no more secrets, no more fear- only you and I.

After my parents died in their wreck it took me years to ride in a car. I would walk or ride my bike everywhere I could. Eventually when I had to start working to help pay bills, I knew I had to get over that fear. Lily would drive so slow that horns would be honking all around us. She would talk the whole way in an attempt to distract my mind. Eventually I got my license and I bought that worn-down truck for almost nothing. But man I love that thing. It was like it was the first sign that I was moving on.

Then I met Emma. I had forgotten that fear for years. I never worried when taking a left turn at a light. I stopped getting anxious every time I got on an interstate. Years later, after her accident, it came back full force.

I could drive myself, simply because I didn’t have another choice. But I hated the idea of anyone I knew driving.

Especially you.

I would have to calm myself down every time you left in your tiny little car- I would wait by my phone for your text saying you were home safe.

And when you did it would be a wave of relief over my mind.

I used to hate the man I was, I hated everything about him. I hated how bitter I was, how I blamed everybody for what was taken from me, how I despised the world around me for something that none of us could control. I hated my personality, I hated how I looked, I hated how I felt, I hated every single aspect of my life until you showed up.

That was no way to live- with constant fear and anger burning in my chest.

Now I know, no one can say how long we have here on this Earth but I know I want to spend every moment I have left with you. I bought the house for two reasons.

So you don’t lose the last connection you have with your grandmother.

And so I can have you near me as much as possible.

I want you in my bed, on my couch, in my kitchen, on my back porch, everywhere. I want your corny movies playing on my TV and your old school music blaring through my speakers. I want your desserts in my oven and your candles burning on my table. I need you in my life and I have never been more sure of anything.

I’m praying you read this and understand how much you mean to me. I have a few other words to give to you but I told myself I would say those in person for the first time.

I am yours, Hart.

I will always call you Hart till I can one day call you Dawes.

And I pray you will one day accept that and be mine forever.