CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Itry to distract myself from the date that I somehow agreed to with school supply shopping which turns out to be more of a headache than I thought it’d be.
Fuck, I would have been better off stressing over the date.
I frown down at the list in my hand. “Why do they need so many packs of dry erase markers? They don’t even let the kids use them.” I eye Tanner who just gives me a shrug in response.
“Mom used to say the same thing.” His eyes avert from mine and his shoulders sag.
You should definitely take Patricia up on her suggestion to bring him to therapy.
Lilly isn’t old enough to process that her parents are gone, and I know as she gets older, she won’t even remember them, which hurts more than anything. Tanner on the other hand, he fully understands. He’d cried for weeks afterwards and that’s when he’d start cuddling up with me at night. In a way, it was what made me pull myself together, knowing that he needed me and because of that I couldn’t allow myself to be a mess. Soon, the days of full blown crying and not wanting to leave the bed passed, but as I look at him now, I’m not sure he’s fully processed the grief.
Will he ever? Losing one parent is hard enough, but both…
I touch his shoulder but he pulls away and a pang goes through my chest.
Knowing I’m not going to get anything out of him and pushing isn’t the best option, I resume the shopping with a heavy heart. From her seat in the buggy, Lilly watches me and Tanner walks beside me with his head down.
I go through the list as quick as possible frowning at the large quantities of each supply the list asks for.
“I need to pick out a backpack,” Tanner mumbles.
“Okay.” I don’t address his sudden downfall in mood. Instead, we move over to the backpacks where he picks out a WWE one.
“Let me grab some things for lunch for days they have spaghetti, just in case the tomatoes are too big for you.”
His head lifts at that and he holds my gaze for a second. “Thanks, Aunt Ivy.” He still sounds defeated in a way that worries me much more than the anger he’s expressed over the last couple of weeks.
I decide to talk to him about it when we get home.
Buying groceries for school turns into buying some for the house even though I have no idea how to successfully fix much else other than a sandwich. I slide a cookbook into the buggy.
When we check out, my eyes widen at the price and I try to figure out when groceries and school supplies started to cost so much. Still, I swipe my card, my eyes glancing over the now hiring sign next to the card reader.
A sign from the universe that you should find a job.
I technically don’t need one because of the money that was left over from the insurance policy, but something about living off of my sister’s death money feels dirty. I’ve done what I’ve needed to for the last couple of weeks to make sure the kids are supported but it’s time to gain a semblance of independence.
I load the kids and all the bags into the car, cringing at how quick it fills up my sol.
Fuck me, I’d hate to have to get a bigger car.
I push the thought away with a sigh as I get in the car. My eyes go to the rearview mirror when I get in and I watch as Tanner lays his head back against the seat and closes his eyes.
Definitely need to get him in to see Patricia.
I can recognize unhappiness in a kid, considering how dreadful my own childhood was.
I play a clean pop station on the radio but otherwise the car is filled with silence.
When we pull into the yard, I glance at Lilly sleeping in her seat and decide to carry her in first, laying her on the couch in the living room.
“Tanner, come help me with the bags.” I say it gently, making sure not to raise my voice since something is already visibly bothering him.
He grabs a bag but he doesn’t move. “Tanner.”
I reach out a hand and when he turns, I see the unshed tears in his eyes. My heart drops. “I miss them.” The words aren’t soft.