“What’s wrong, Katiebear?” Alex asked, suspicion in his voice.
“I guess you’ve heard the news then.”
“What news?”
“Don’t bullshit me.”
“Yeah, Mom called me.”
“God, will I not be able to tell anyone on my own?” I huffed, making him laugh.
“Nah, I’m sure Mom’s letting you tell Bram—preferably after Shane is halfway around the world so he doesn’t fly to San Diego and kill him.”
“But she told you?”
“I’m stuck in Bum Fuck, Missouri. She probably figured I was the safe bet.”
“How’s that going? I haven’t talked to you in a while,” I said, reaching around to press on my aching lower back. Army life had Alex moving all over the place. Sometimes it took me a few minutes before I even remembered where he was living.
“It’s fine. Boring but fine. What about you? Lots of shit happening, huh?” he said sympathetically.
“God, Alex. You have no idea.”
“How the fuck did you end up sleeping with Shane of all people?” he asked.
I snorted. “I know, right? The guy can’t stand me.”
“Everyone likes you, Katie. Some people are just douchebags.” I heard something crinkle in the background and then the sound of him chewing something crunchy. With his mouth open. God, I swear my brothers had no manners when they weren’t near our mom.
“He’s not a douche,” I argued weakly.
“I love the guy, but he always had his head so far up Rachel’s ass it’s like he couldn’t see the light of day.”
“That’s a charming picture.”
“You know what I mean. What happened?”
“You know how it goes, guy gets drunk on the anniversary of his wife’s death, his foster mother asks the girl to check on him. The girl works up the courage to go to him, then proceeds to down a coffee mug of Jack with the guy, and one thing leads to another…”
“Shit, he knocked you up on the anniversary?”
“Impeccable timing, am I right?”
“Damn, Kate. That sucks.”
I sighed, leaning back and closing my laptop. “It is what it is. Nothing I can do about it now.”
“How are you feeling? Mom said you’ve been sick as hell.”
“I’m a little better now. They gave me some meds for the nausea, so that helps. Now I’m just dealing with being tired all the freaking time.”
“And Shane leaves in a few days, right?”
“Yep. I’m moving my shit into his garage tomorrow and living with the monsters full time. Shane leaves the day after that.”
“Damn, I wish I was there to help you pack. You nervous?”
“About keeping the kids? Not really. I mean, I have them all day long as it is.”
“About Shane deploying. Don’t act like that’s nothing.”
“Of course I’m nervous about the deployment.” I paused, trying to formulate my words. “But I feel like it’s not my right to feel like that. I mean, the guy barely acknowledges my presence, so it’s not like I should be worrying about him…”
“I know you care about him, Katie. You wouldn’t have slept with him if you didn’t.”
“But the opposite is true for him. I don’t know, Al. I just feel like I’m a placeholder or something. Like our roles have never really been defined. I fill in. When he’s not there, I do what needs to be done now that Rachel isn’t there to do it. But now with this baby, I just…I’m more freaked out for the deployment than I ever have been before.”
“That makes sense, sis. You’ve always cared about Shane in one capacity or another. Shit, we all do. But this is a big deal. Five children are your responsibility alone for the next six or seven months. You’re it, little sis.”
“I know.”
“Did he get all his shit in order?”
“Yep. Allotments and life insurance and benefits are all switched over. That part made me want to vomit.”
“Sounds like you’re always vomiting these days.”
“No shit. At least I’ve lost those extra few pounds I’ve been wanting to get rid of.”
“Don’t say shit like that,” Alex scolded, sounding angry. “You’re perfect the way you are. You shouldn’t be losing weight, especially when you’re supposed to be gaining it.”
“It was a joke, Al.”
“Stupid joke.”
“I really am okay, you know,” I told him softly, wishing he were there with me.
“You ready for this, Katiebear?”
“I guess I’ll have to be.”
“You’re going to be an incredible mother.”
“You think so?”
“I know so. You’ve been a pretty great one for the last year, haven’t you?”
“You’re pretty much the best brother ever, you know that?”
“I do, but make sure you tell Bram that, all right?”
I laughed, and we talked for a little longer before he had to hang up, leaving me alone with my thoughts.
My apartment was completely packed except for my bedding and my toiletries, and I couldn’t say that I was sad to leave the place. I’d moved in when I’d had to scale back my business the year before, and it had never really felt like home. I missed my two-bedroom place in Carlsbad that I’d gotten for a steal. I missed being able to have people over without worrying that they wouldn’t have anyplace to sit. I missed being able to leave my bras hanging from the end of my bed and not worrying that I’d show them to every person who walked in my front door.