She was the only person I wanted to tell everything to, good or bad.
There was something more to that, but I wasn’t sure I was ready to start examining it. Especially since I had a feeling that she was avoiding me again.
I had been worried about that before, but then she had shown up at my place. This time, though, nothing seemed to summon her over, not even a 3:00 A.M. drum session.
She didn’t want to see me. I had to be okay with that. Besides, she was probably just busy at work. I was busy with my music; I got how that went. Not only that, but I was trying to set a good example for Mark, not chasing tail, and Carter was still crashing at my place most nights. It was just a complicated time.
Still, I missed her. We had a connection; I was sure of it. I missed the way her body felt against mine. I missed the way she listened to me. I missed the way she stood up for what she believed in.
I was falling for her. I was ready to admit that. She was different from anyone I had been with before, and I couldn’t get enough of her. That said, I was trying to focus on my work. I had a feeling that that tension was part of why my music was better now than it had ever been before. It was another thing I wanted to tell her, but I was afraid she wouldn’t understand it and would think I was nuts.
No, I needed her to listen to our music. But in order for that to happen, we had to finish up the album. We weren’t quite there yet.
“Alright, let’s break for the day,” I said to everyone.
“Yeah, we’ve got that show tomorrow,” Mark added. “I should rest my voice before that. And Carter, you should rest your fingers.”
“Yeah, sure,” Carter said, nodding.
We all packed up and headed our separate ways. There was no talk of vices. There were no plans to go out together that night. The truth was, things might be going better for us in terms of the band, but in terms of our personal lives, it felt like we weren’t even friends anymore. I knew it was going to take some time to rebuild those bridges, but it didn’t feel like anyone was even trying.
It felt like I was working with strangers. Like we might never reconnect again. At least we had a chance to make it again, but I still didn’t know if making it was worth the price of our friendship.
It was another thing I wished that I could talk to Leah about. Or even Luke. Instead, I let them all leave and then sat down at the drum set, wailing away for another half hour before I felt okay to go home. On the way, I stopped by one of my favorite bars. It was a place that Carter and Luke and Mark and I all used to frequent together. I guess I was feeling a little bit nostalgic.
When I went inside, I almost smiled to see Carter there. For a moment, I forgot about alcoholism or anything else. For a moment, it felt just like old times as I headed to the bar and sat on a bar seat next to him, flagging down the bartender to order a beer for myself.
Carter clinked his beer against mine, but he didn’t say anything still.
“Your playing was really good today,” I finally said. “Like, really good. You’ve added something to the album that I’m really impressed with actually.”
Carter hummed and took a sip of his beer.
I started to babble. “You know, part of what’s been influencing my songwriting lately has been Leah. She makes me work harder than I think I ever had before. How you doin’ bro?”
To be honest, we were all wondering what it was that had gotten Carter to shape up. I still couldn’t believe that it was just the intervention or the fact that Mark had started to pull himself together. I wished that Carter would let me in, that he would trust me enough to let me know what was going on in his life.
Carter’s playing was increasingly better, but there was something melancholic about it, a sadness I had never heard before. I wondered where that was coming from, but I hadn’t been sure how to ask, prior to now.
I was starting to realize, though, that I had been so absorbed in the band, in making it with them, that it had been a while since I’d really shown any of my friends how much I actually cared about them. Carter had been right to blow me off when I had told him that he needed to shape up. I had mostly been worried about him in terms of how it would affect the band. That wasn’t right.