Leah had broadened my focus some. Reminded me that the outside world existed and that it wasn’t all down to my drums and our shows.
Carter shrugged, his expression going dark. I could tell that it definitely wasn’t a relationship that was informing his playing. He wasn’t in love. So what was it?
Whatever it was, Carter didn’t let me in on it now. That shrug was apparently all I was going to get out of him. He didn’t want to open up. I wondered if whatever it was was the same thing that drove him to drink like he did. If the reason all of it was coming out in his playing now was because he wasn’t drinking so much, he wasn’t numbing that pain beneath the veneer of alcohol that had kept it hidden before.
I wondered if maybe not drinking wasn’t such a good thing if he wasn’t going to get help by other means so that he could actually deal with it.
I knew better than to say anything like that, though. He wouldn’t welcome it, and it would only make our friendship more tenuous than it already was. Better to take the time and build things up between us again. Eventually, when we were on better terms, maybe he would tell me all about it.
Could we wait, though? I was afraid that if he kept everything all bottled up inside… I didn’t want to think about it. But then again, just because he wasn’t talking to me about things, it didn’t mean that he wasn’t talking to anyone. Luke listened better than anyone I knew, and Mark was going through some shit right now too. The likelihood was, Carter just didn’t want to talk to me about it. That was fine.
Still, I did want to put the work in to build up our friendship again. “Want to hang out tonight?” I asked. “Just kick back and watch some shit on TV or something?”
Carter raised an eyebrow at me. “Didn’t you just say something about a girl?” he asked, and the smirk on his face almost reminded me of the old days.
I laughed. “She’s out of town,” I said, shrugging, remembering her on the sidewalk with her suitcase the day before. “I’m bored as fuck.”
Carter snorted. “Sure,” he said. “Sounds like fun.”
“Just let me hit the head,” I told him.
“Sure, meet you out front,” Carter said.
I grinned as I headed off to the bathroom. Things were going well with the band, and soon enough, life was going to be back to normal. It was an incredible relief.
I knew I needed to keep my head in the game, not go mooning after Leah. I couldn’t afford to screw up or shirk my responsibilities.
I thought about Leah again and wondered why she was avoiding me. Was she really just busy with work and life, or did she realize that she didn’t want anything from me? I shook my head and tried to break my train of thought. Maybe she was just waiting for me to make a move. It wasn’t like I’d gone after her either. No, I needed to go see her as soon as she got home from wherever it was that she’d gone.
I was glad to have a little time to focus on my relationships with my friends.
Except that when I headed out front, Carter was nowhere to be seen. I even ducked back into the bar, wondering if he was still finishing his beer. But he was gone. My hands clenched into fists. What the fuck, man?
I frowned, heading home alone. I couldn’t help but wonder where Carter was. He hadn’t been noticeably drunk at the bar, but then again, I wondered if I would even notice if he was buzzed at this point. It was just a relief to see that he wasn’t falling all over himself or picking fights. That didn’t mean he was sober, that just meant that he wasn’t three sheets to the wind.
Yet again, I wondered at how blind I could be. Here I had been acting like everything was all better, ignoring all signs to the contrary. I wasn’t looking out for Carter at all, just for my own interests and the band. What kind of an ass was I?
I remembered how frustrated Leah had been the first night she came over to my place, yelling at me to keep it down. She was right—I really was self-absorbed. I didn’t care about anyone other than myself. Or if I did, my actions certainly didn’t show it.
I thought about Leah again. I wasn’t good enough for her, that was for sure. Not even close.
I unlocked my door, my eyes slipping over to her side of the duplex. Even if she had been there, I couldn’t go over there and tell her about my band woes. I had done that once already, and she had immediately jumped in and done her best to fix things for me.